To Begin Again
by lissianne
Summary: Protecting the ones you love may result in hurting them the most. Sharon is faced with the decision to begin again in New York or starting over with Andy.
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing of Major Crimes. I only borrow the characters from time to time. Special thanks to gingersnapped907 for the inspiration and the TS song, Begin Again that gave my idea wings.

To Begin Again

Chapter 1

I press my face against the cold window pane. There is a sharp chill in the air and the gray skies envelope the city below. People hurrying down the sidewalk, coats snugged tightly against the wind. I see a snow flake, then another. I can't help but feel a bit of excitement. I pull a throw off of the bed and wrap up in it as I sit on the window seat. It is my favorite place. The window seat in my room has been my refuge for the past few months.

"Mom," Emily calls, "Rizz is here."

She startles me back to reality. I look at my watch as I bolt for the closet. I pull on jeans, a red sweater, black boots and black leather coat. I stick my head out of the door, "be there in a minute."  
His smile lights up the room.

I grab my purse and keys off of the hallway table and give Emily a hug.

"Are we still going apartment hunting?" he asks.

I freeze momentarily giving him a wary look.

"Mom?" Emily questions. "You're planning on staying in New York?"

"I'm keeping my options open," I say. "I can't keep cramping your life by staying here."

"You know I love having you here." Emily smiles.

"Sharon, you could always bunk with me" Rizz offers, "you make a pretty decent roommate."

Emily looks horrified.

"I think I should look at the apartment Duke's friend is subletting." I say. _Damn, now I'm going to have to explain Duke._

I quickly head for the door dragging Rizz behind me.

"Don't wait up, little ballerina," he calls back to Emily, "your mom's going to have a very late night."

Emily looked out her front window. She watched them come out of her building and head up the street. She saw him reach for Sharon's hand, and pull her to him, tucking her tightly under his arm.

As they faded from view, Emily hit a button on her cell phone. "I need your help. It's mom." She began to sob. "I didn't know who else to call. She went weeks never leaving her room. Now she's out drinking every night, sometimes not coming home for days. She's running with people from God knows where and now she's apartment hunting with Rizz." She wipes her eyes and listens to the voice on the other end of the line. "I don't know who he is, but he's no good for her," she continues, "and I already have dad, I don't need mom to be like dad too." She takes a long deep breath. "What happened in LA? Please can you just tell me that?"

As Rizz and I walked to the loft apartment, I realize that it's cold in New York in December. I try to control my shivers, but Rizz looks at me and laughs. "If you stay here, you're going to have to get some warmer clothes." He grabs my hand and pulls me to him. I fit nicely under his arm where it is safe and warm.

The apartment is on the second floor. It is an open concept loft with a bank of windows facing east. "Perfect for catching the morning sun," I notice.

Rizz calls from the bedroom, "you'll have a wonderful view of the sunset from in here."

I am looking out the window again when I notice The Nutcracker on a billboard down the street. I take a couple of deep breaths, but I can't stop the tears. I am afraid once I let them fall, they will never stop.

"Some asshole must have really did a number on you," Rizz says as he gives me a hug. I can only shrug and sob.

Funny how the smallest things can open the biggest wounds.

"Tell me what happened," he pleads. "You'll feel better if you talk about it."

"I don't know," I squeak out.

He gives me a questioning look. "I don't know what happened," my voice is nearly a scream. I begin to pace.

The words come tumbling out. "I'm furious with myself. I should have seen it coming. I'm a detective for gawd's sake. I should have detected."

"Sometimes you believe the lies your heart tells your head…. And refuse to believe the truths your head tells your heart."

I stop and wipe my eyes. "Pretty profound coming from such a hot dog."

He laughs as I sit next to him, "two weeks before it blew up, he had me picking out engagement rings."

"Cold feet?"

"That's what I suspected. Lord knows I wasn't looking to get married. He kept saying if you had your choice between this one or that one which would you choose?"

"And?"

"He started getting distant. At first it was the small things, like I squeezed his hand and he didn't squeeze back. He was quiet, would show up late and leave early. Then…." I felt sick.

"Then…. What?"

"One evening after an awkward dinner, he said he couldn't do this anymore. I'm confused. Do what? It turns out our relationship….he couldn't do our relationship."

"Did he say why?"

"That's just it. He said it's not you, it's me. It's better for you if you just move on."

"Ouch." Rizz says.

"Why the hell do men do that? Oh wait, my ex husband was quick to always say it was me not him" I shrug. "Maybe he was right."

Rizz was texting on his phone. I give him an exasperated look.

"Calling in the posse," He explains. "You are in serious need of an intervention."

"Oh, but there's more." I start to pace again. His blue eyes follow me. He runs his fingers through his wavy black hair. I notice that the tinge of grey at his temples sets off his olive skin. I momentarily lose my train of thought.

He rubs his hand across his stubbly chin, "So, who is the girlfriend?"

I stop dead in my tracks. "The day before I came here, I found out he'd moved back in with his ex wife."


	2. Chapter 2

To Begin Again

Chapter 2

I am near hysteria by the time we get downstairs to Duke's apartment. He gives me a hug as he shoots a concerned look at Rizz. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Rizz shaking his head.

Duke escorts me to the sofa, giving me a fluffy throw and a box of keenex. "I have pizza coming and a supply of movies."

Ace arrives shortly. He hands me a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolate. "I would be happy to kick his ass," he adds. I thank him for the sentiment.

Following behind him was the Rookie. He is bearing wine. Lots of wine. The Rookie is quickly becoming my favorite.

I look around the room at this crazy posse. They are my tribe. I didn't have to fight to be accepted. They simply took me in. It was pure saving grace the day I met them.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hadn't left Emily's tiny apartment in days. The sun coaxed me out of my fortress, as I went in search of comfort food and fresh air. I found myself at a food truck ordering the most delectable macaroni and cheese known to man. "Sharon? Sharon Raydor, is that you?"

I turned to find a former colleague in line behind me. "Jerry? How are you?"

"Inspector Hartman now," he extended his hand and laughed. "Not as big time famous as the head of major crimes, but I'm doing ok."

I marveled at the cheesy deliciousness in front of me. "Do they have wine trucks here too?" I laughed. I explained that I'm visiting my daughter and would be in town for an extended period.

"I hate to interrupt your vacation, but would you like to tour my precinct?"

I felt my heart leap to life. "Of course, I would love to."

"Actually, I would like to ask your expertise on a case," he shuffled in his seat and adjusted his wire framed glasses. "It's a high profile mob case. I'm afraid the hot dogs on the case are floundering."

"So how can I help?"

"Do a ride along. Observe. Let me know your recommendations on the team."

I was introduced as a consultant. There were eye rolls exchanged between the guys, but no out in out hostility.

I would be riding with Vincent "The Rizz" Rizzo and Franklin "The Duke" Alexander. The Duke was a large man, with graying hair and dark framed glasses. He got his nickname for his love of John Wayne movies. The Duke was quite a movie buff in general. He reminded me of a taller, nicer, younger version of Provenza. Ace and Rookie followed closely behind. Allen "Ace" MacDonald was in his forties, reddish blonde hair and blue eyes. He had a stocky build and an IQ somewhere close to Tao's. Jimmy "The Rookie" Mendez is in his twenties. It's his second year with the precinct. He is a black haired, black eyed fireball, much like Sanchez. Then there is the Rizz, the Italian Stallion as he fancies himself. A ladies man, a hot head, a bad boy's bad boy, so I gather. He seems vaguely familiar.

We got to the stake out point. Luckily, two of the mob henchmen are spotted leaving the warehouse. "How are we going to get to them without blowing our cover?" Rizz asked, thinking out loud.

I study the situation. "Give me your knife."

Rizz pulled his pocket knife from his belt. I sliced the neck line of my t shirt and handed his knife back. As I adjusted my assets, he asked what I thought I was doing.

"I'm reeling in your catch," I winked.  
"And how do you propose to do that?"

I puff out my chest, "they're boobs, Ed."

"Hey, Erin Brockovich," Duke said with a broad smile.

I laughed and gave him the thumbs up. I took my weapon out of my back pocket and laid it on the console.

"You can't go out there without protection," Duke looked between me and Rizz.

"They will check me for a weapon and a wire. You guys are my protection." I looked them in the eyes, "Don't screw it up."

I fluffed up my hair and stumbled out of the car. I staggered up to the two men, "can you help me? My boyfriend's an asshole. I left him at the bar and the fuckin car breaks down." I tried to slur my words enough to be believable.

Rizz and Duke watched from the car as we talked. I wasn't sure if the men were truly concerned if I was wearing a wire and carrying or if they only wanted to feel me up. Either way, the plan was working. "You ain't the cops," I asked, "Cause, I don't want trouble, I just want my car running." They followed me to the car and I popped the hood. As they leaned over the engine, the hood accidently came down on them, rendering them unconscious. "Oops," I shrugged.

"I'm pretty sure we broke every rule in the book."Rizz said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"The mission was a success and that's what matters," I smiled. "Rules are highly overrated."

I gave them a glowing recommendation and was asked to stay on the case as there were bigger fish to catch. I was known as the Bulletproof Babe because everyone had to have a nickname. I told them the name definitely needed work.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

As I come back to the reality of the moment, I pour another glass of wine and start to sob. Duke looks at me from a barely open sleep filled eye. As he joins me on the sofa, we talk and finish off the wine, every single drop of it.

Rizz wakes up to a passed out Duke. I am giggling uncontrollably. "I need to get home," I tell Rizz. He tries to argue the point, but ultimately helps me into Ace's car.

It is the early hours of the morning. The streets are still dark. I can barely walk and I am laughing at everything.

"I can't hit the hole," we erupt in laughter as I am trying to get the key in the lock.

"You'll never hear me say something like that," Rizz winks.

As we fumble with the lock, the door opens and I nearly fall on my face. Rizz steadies my balance "Shit, it's your dad," he whispers.

"Ye gawds, I'm not that woman's dad, you asshole."

The room begins to spin, "Provenza" I say before the room goes dark.


	3. Chapter 3

To Begin Again

Chapter 3

I am in a half sleep, my head is resting on his chest. The rhythmic breathing soothes my soul. "Andy," I mumble. I feel a gentle hug and a rub of a hand on my shoulder.

My head is pounding and my eyes sting from the torrents of tears that flooded my mascara stained face. I try to adjust to the dimly lit living room. Slowly sitting up, I gather my wits.

"Holy shit!" I jump from the sofa, causing my head to nearly explode, "what are you doing here?"

"Good morning to you too."Provenza straightens up, rubbing the shoulder I slept against. "We need to talk, but first go take a shower." He narrows his eyes at me. "You look like hell."

The seriousness of his gaze unnerves me. I want to dig my heels in and demand to talk now, but the need to vomit takes precedent.

After my shower, I put on my yoga pants and a NYPD sweatshirt. I don't bother to dry my hair or put on make-up.

The smell of coffee greets me when I pad down the hallway. He hands me a cup and tells me to sit.

"Your daughter asked me to come," he takes a sip of coffee, "she's worried about you."

I give him a questioning look. "I'm fine. She has nothing to worry about." I look around. "Where is she anyway?"

"I told her to stay with friends until we're finished here," he says, eyes unwavering.

I give him a defiant glare, "then I guess she can come home, I believe we're finished. I'm fine."

"She said she had her dad, she didn't need to have her mom acting like her dad too."

I feel like the air is being sucked from my lungs. I try to speak, but he doesn't give me the chance.

"You come home drunk, that is, on the nights you bother to come home." He rubs his forehead, "this isn't you, Sharon, what happened to you?"

I stare at the bottom of my coffee cup, "it's not like that."

"So, last night, or I should say, this morning wasn't like that?" He pours himself another cup and sits back down.

"Look, I hang with the guys from the precinct. We work hard, we play hard, and they're always there for me." As soon as I say it, I notice the hurt in his eyes.

"I see, so I guess my coming here was for fun, and not that I give a damn what happens to you," his voice grew louder with every syllable.

"I didn't mean….." I feel a tear trickle down my cheek.

He reaches for my hand and exhales loudly, "have you talked to him since you left?"

I shake my head no, "I texted him once. I don't think he answered."

"You leaving devastated him, you know."

I get up and start to pace. "I devastated him? Really?"

"I thought you would understand, with his ex wife being sick and all, but then you left. You just left."

I stop pacing for a moment, "what are you talking about?"

"Andy's ex, the cancer, the separation from the present husband?"

"All I know is that I was unceremoniously dumped and he moved in with her." I sit across from him and lean back in my chair, "please, feel free to elaborate."

"Andy was trying to reconcile with his son. His ex wife was diagnosed with cancer and the present husband took a hike. I take it the son guilt tripped Andy into moving in and taking care of her."

"Why couldn't he have just explained that?" I pound my fist on the table. "Instead I get it's not you it's me, I can't do this anymore, you should move on with your life bullshit." I stand and lean across the table. "So I moved on. The next time you see him, tell him he got his wish."

Provenza stands up and shakes his head, "you honestly didn't know." He says it as a statement not a question.

I shake my head and look at the floor. "Why didn't he love me enough to tell me the truth?"

"I think in his idiot way, he loved you too much to tell you the truth." He cupped my chin, making my eyes meet his. "Come back, straighten this out."

"I have a job offer, a good one. I've found the perfect apartment. I have great friends." I shrug.

"It's him, isn't it?" Provenza asks.

"Who?"

"The one you're moving in with, the asshole who thinks I'm your father."

I laugh out loud. "The asshole is Detective Sergeant Vincent Rizzo, and no we aren't moving in together."

"Emily heard him say you were a good roommate."

"Exactly. I've stayed there a time or two after a late night or when Emily has a date.…I clean up after myself, I don't throw wild parties without permission, I don't rent porn and charge it to his account. I don't steal his clothes," I raise my brows as I take notice of my sweatshirt, "that is what constitutes a good roommate in Rizz's world."

Provenza pours me another cup of coffee. "I'm drowning in bureaucracy and Taylor's making me crazy. If for no other reason, come back and save me." He looks at me with pleading eyes. "It's been almost three months since you went on leave."

I bite my lower lip, "three months, one week and six days, but who's counting."


	4. Chapter 4

To Begin Again

Chapter 4

Emily's small apartment feels as empty as my heart. I hoped Provenza would stay a few days, but he insisted on returning to L.A. Of course, he made a comment about _someone_ having to do my job as he hugged me good bye.

I sit on the end of the sofa with my legs tucked under me. I am watching snowflakes drift by the window. The silence is broken only by the ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner. I am thankful to find peace in the smallest of things. The sound of the key in the lock startles me. Emily is home.

She puts her things down and takes off her coat, laying it across the corner chair. I pat my hand on the cushion next to me. She obliges me and takes a seat. Neither of us speak, it's not an entirely uncomfortable silence. I lay my hand on top of hers. "I'm sorry." I'm sorry seems like a good place to start.

"Mom," she looks at me with hurt eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"About Andy?"

"About everything."

"With Andy, it's still pieces of a puzzle," I explain.

"What about working at the precinct?" She turns to face me.

"I didn't want you to worry." I rub her hand, "It was a high profile mob case, I was only trying to protect…" Before I could finish the sentence, I realize what I had done. Why does the need to protect the ones you love come with such a high price? I ask myself.

Emily is lost on my new found insight. "So the drinking and late nights were because of the case?"

"It might have spurred it on, but that part? It's all on me. I think it was my way of running from the anger….and hurt." I hug a pillow tightly to my chest. "I'm tired of running. Do you still want to go back to L.A. for Christmas?"

She gives me a smile. "The boys said they were still cold from being here at Thanksgiving, so I guess this means we'll have to go home."

I was up early on the day of our flight. "I have some goodbyes to say. I'll be back in plenty of time."

Emily gives me a worried look.  
I pause at the door, "You should come with me. I think you need meet the guys who will be looking out for you while I'm back in L.A."

She rolls her eyes, "oh, mom."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The holidays have passed and life is routine. Provenza is back to happily working crossword puzzles. I am buried under paperwork, though I ride along with the guys on occasion. I keep my ripped t shirt in my desk drawer should the need for it arise. I look out to the murder room. I catch Andy looking back. This time he doesn't turn away. I see an almost smile.

We work well together. It is cordial, almost friendly as of late. I catch a lingering look, a brush of the hand, much like it was in the beginning. I need to talk to him. I take a deep breath and before I can stop myself, I hear my voice saying, "Lt Flynn, do you have a moment?"

Andy nods and comes to my office.  
"Close the door, we need to talk."

I feel my throat go dry. I have rehearsed this speech a hundred times in my head. Now, as he stands in front of me, I search for words. He looks nervous, I can tell he is searching also.

"You look tired. Are you doing ok?" I ask, trying to put him at ease.

He shrugs. "I guess so."

"How is your wife?" I lean back and without thinking, fold my arms across my chest.

He quickly corrects me, "ex wife."

I nod.

"She's in remission.' He sits in the chair in front of me. "I moved out. My son refuses to talk to me, and I miss you."

I trace the edges of a notebook, hoping to calm my pounding in my heart. I swear he can hear it.

"I was afraid you weren't coming back." He reaches for my hand, but I move it subtly out of his grasp.

"It's what you said you wanted, for me to move on. Why didn't you tell me the truth?" I pause, trying to read his expression, "I would have understood."

"I know. I never doubted it." He runs his fingers through his hair. "You would have stuck with me, waited on me and wound up hating me."

"And walking out without an explanation is better? Do you realize I nearly let it destroy me?" I take a deep breath. This isn't the conversation I rehearsed.

"Look, Sharon, "he paces slowly in front of me. "I never meant…."

"Why couldn't you love me enough to tell me the truth?" My pain oozes through the words.

Andy stops and closes his eyes. "I want to fix this. Tell me we can start over."

I want to run to him, tell him it will be alright, hold him and not let go. But I can't. "It's gone too far, I'm afraid. How do we come back from this?"

"We just do." He pauses, then quietly closes the door behind him.


	5. Chapter 5

To Begin Again

Chapter 5

Two days have passed since Andy and I spoke. I feel we have taken a giant step backward and I deeply regret initiating the conversation. He is distant and sad.

Yesterday, when I broke out my t shirt and accompanied Julio and Andy to a bar to pick up a suspect, I saw a brief spark of what had been. It felt good to laugh, if only for a moment.

I sink into my chair and open my laptop.

I know I could go to him and he would willingly take me in his arms, but the fear is relentless. How do I let go of fear? Or how do I get it to let go of me?

I hear my phone buzzing and I fumble through my bag. "Rizz" I smile.

"Hey, I just wanted you to know I took your advice."

"Hmm, would that be not to drink chunky milk or to put the toilet seat down when you have a lady houseguest….?"

He interrupts me with a laugh, "um, sorry about that, but no. I called Jasmine, we're working it out."

I am elated "That's wonderful. I knew you could do it."

"So, what about you? Are you working it out?"

I hesitate before answering, "it's not going well."

"Ace says the offer still stands to kick his ass."

"I appreciate that," I sigh, "but I'm the problem."

"You love him, right?"

"What if it happens again? What if we start over and it goes to hell."

"What if it doesn't?"

"I am afraid. I don't want to go through the hurt again. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff… and I am terrified."

"The Bulletproof Babe is terrified? The one who faces down mobsters armed with only a set of magnificent boobs?"

I laugh, "Flashing my magnificent boobs will not solve all of my problems." I notice most of the division is looking at me. I feel my cheeks flush. I give them a smile and shut the door.

"Maybe only the big ones." He pauses a moment, "so what if it does?"

I am silent.

"What if it goes to hell? You will survive. You survived before, you'll survive again." He continues. "Besides, you will always have the posse if you need us."

I tap my pen against the desk, "you make a good point."

"Of course I do." He pauses, "Sharon, now take your own advice."

I put my phone back in my bag. My eyes drift to Andy's empty chair. Provenza tells me he is questioning a witness.

It's 2 p.m. and I am in need of fresh air. I trade my conservative blazer for a white sweater. I am wearing my red and white sundress and red heels, not my typical work attire, but since I've been back, I've tried to be less typical.

I find myself at a small café near the ocean. I can't see the water, but I can smell the sea air and feel a slight chill from an ocean breeze. The waiter asks to take my order. "Herbal tea," I say. He inquires what kind. "Surprise me" I reply.

I pull out my notebook and begin making notes for the next budget meeting. I look up briefly. That's when I see him. He is leaning on a table talking to a well -dressed man. Our eyes meet briefly before I avert my gaze.

As I sip my tea, I notice his eyes are fixed on me. He offers me a warm smile from across the room. I smile in return. I put my paperwork back in my bag as he comes toward my table.

"Is this seat taken?" He asks pointing to the empty chair across from me.

I shake my head and make a motion for him to have a seat.

"Hello, I'm Andy," he said as he extends his hand. "I'm an asshole with a good heart and an incredible talent for screwing things up."

"Sharon," I say as I take his hand, "I have an incredible fondness for good hearted assholes with a talent for screwing up."

When we are done shaking hands, neither of us let go.

I've been spending the last four months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end, but on a Wednesday in a café, we begin again.

~ The End of my story. The Beginning of theirs. ~


End file.
